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The Toll Of Domestic Violence

5/18/2016

15 Comments

 
Picture
Watching the evening news in any major metropolitan city can be quite depressing.  There are stories of violence and crime  night after night.  How do we cope with grief, sadness, and tragedy when it comes to us in such a steady flow?  Do we grow numb to it all?  What happens when the tragedy hits close to home?  How does that change the perspective?

Over thirty years ago I graduated from college and became a police officer with the St. Louis County Police Department.  This small town farm boy was introduced to some realities of life that I had not previously known.  It was especially true when I worked the evening or midnight shift.  There were nights when one call after another was for a "domestic disturbance."  People who had thought enough of one another at some point to date, live together, or even get married were now fighting intensely with one another.

The things I witnessed were shocking.  Once in a while there was a little humor to be found in the mess, but most of the time it was just frightening. Once as I approached a house for a domestic disturbance call I could see through the picture window that a woman was heaving potted plants at her husband.  No weapons were in sight.  As I entered the scene both parties calmed down.  As they each looked at the potting soil covering the floor from about ten potted plants being heaved at the man, they just sort of sighed.  A little chuckle even came forth as they thought about the mess that needed to be cleaned up following their spat.

Unfortunately, the majority of the domestic disturbance calls were much more serious.  Guns and knives were frequently part of the equation.  Others were even more creative.  One individual boiled a pot of water, added bleach to it, and then threw it on the sleeping companion.  The ways we choose to hurt one another can be extreme.

It was seven years ago yesterday that Ashlin (pictured above) experienced the ultimate domestic violence.  In my 17 years of ministry as a deacon I have presided at, or assisted with, numerous funeral rituals.  Ashlin's has been the only memorial service that I have done for a victim of homicide.  It was the most heart-breaking service that I have ever led.  Ashlin wasn't just a newscast for me.  Domestic violence had struck right into the heart of my family.

Two young toddlers lost both their parents on that day.  The grief extended throughout the family at the time and still impacts us seven years later.  Each milestone that passes with the kids leaves an aching thought.  What would Ashlin think about this?

The world turned upside down on that day for many people.  However, the resilience by Ashlin's mom and so many others around her demonstrates the power of love.  I have no words for that kind of love except to say, "Thanks." Hate, anger, and violence have been overcome by your love.  You have been a witness for all of us in regard to courage and fortitude.  Keep up the good work.

Finally, I close by reminding all of my readers to seek help if you, or someone you love, are living in a volatile situation.  Don't wait until it is too late.  There are resources available to assist you regardless of the circumstances in which you find yourself.  Domestic violence is real and it can shatter lives in a heartbeat.  Don't become part of an evening newscast.  Seek help before the situation gets to that point. 
15 Comments
Glenda
5/18/2016 09:52:56 am

Thank you for thoughtful words, prayers, wisdom and encouragement.

Reply
Deacon Vernon
5/18/2016 12:39:44 pm

You are welcome, Glenda. Within just a few hours after posting this article I knew how much love and support all of you have. This post has attracted the most views of anything I have published over the last three years. Your family is surrounded with people who care. I hope all of you are able to feel that love and support.

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Ruth
5/18/2016 12:39:08 pm

Thank you for your wonderful kindness and making us aware of the terrible things that domestic violence can do to families. We are all touched by it in one way or another. Courage and love and understanding gives us comfort.

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Deacon Vernon
5/18/2016 12:42:49 pm

You are correct, Ruth. "Courage and love and understanding gives us comfort." May God's blessing be upon you and your family as well. We continue to miss Bob too.

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Connie Karniski
5/18/2016 03:53:38 pm

My son Daniel Smith was with Ashlin that night with his son Carter, my son was also murdered with Ashlin that horrible night, my grandson was also left there with her 2 children!!! My heart is forever broken, yes yesterday was the 7 year anniversary, I cry every night, he was my baby, he had such a kind heart!!! I MISS HIM EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY!!!

Reply
Deacon Vernon
5/18/2016 04:48:04 pm

Connie, please know of my thoughts and prayers for your family as well. I thought about including your son in the article but I wouldn't do that without your permission. Since I do not know you personally I did not want to ask. I appreciate that you took time to comment. Now I can pray for you by name.

I can only imagine the grief that still burdens your heart. A mother's love for her child runs deep.

I hope Carter is doing well despite the circumstances surrounding his young life. May God bless all of you with strength.

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Debbie Burkett link
5/18/2016 04:37:03 pm

My son is a friend of Ashlin and Daniel it was a very difficult time for everyone, although all 3 kids were there it seems they have great roll models to help them become great young adults. I don't think anyone ever saw that kind of violence coming unfortunately. My thoughts and prayers are with every one! Involved. Thanks for the great article!!!

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Deacon Vernon
5/18/2016 04:55:29 pm

Thanks for the comment Debbie. The ripple effect that happens when a tragedy like this strikes is far-reaching. As you mention, there are times when we can't see the violence coming. However, I am hoping to raise awareness just a little bit with my article. If someone is in a volatile situation and they recognize it, I am hoping they will seek help.

The article was picked up by a major website this morning and the message is getting out to hundreds of people. I am trying to bring some good out of the pain. If the article helps just one person it is worth it.

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Carol Rhodes
5/18/2016 07:46:00 pm

What a beautiful writing Vernon. Prayers to Ashlin and her family. Love and hugs to all.

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Deacon Vernon
5/19/2016 08:15:15 am

Thanks Carol. Blessings to you and your family as well.

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Linda Schilling
5/18/2016 08:51:54 pm

Having lived thru the vicious murder of both of my beloved inlaws I can honestly say how these crimes bestow so much heartache to families and communities. This broke my heart for my cousin whose family had to go thru this. Only God can change human hearts and heal these wounds. Pray for those around you and be Jesus to others

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Deacon Vernon
5/19/2016 08:36:59 am

Thank you for your comment Linda. I am sorry for the heartache you endured when your in-laws were killed. You summed it up well. "Only God can change human hearts and heal these wounds." I have nothing to add to that point.

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chelsea
5/19/2016 05:17:44 am

This is heart breaking. I can say that in this day and age domestic violence does not get addressed. My ex husband ran me off the freeway with orders of protection in place so he violated them. I captured everything withcamera. The investigator filed charges but the prosecutor dismissed all counts. I think the hurt of being violated and stalked and put into danger and for authorities to not do anything hurt me worse than him running me off the road into a concrete wall did. I think we have to be careful when we educate for people to get help if domestic violence comes up for them that we are not pushing them to more disappointment and risk ...I think it is important to educate on domestic violence experts and resources because the local authorities 99% of the time do nothing in these scenarios. rip Ashton. Gone but never forgotten.

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Deacon Vernon
5/19/2016 08:45:14 am

Dear Chelsea,

Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story. I am sorry for what you have endured. You bring up an important point. The systems and structures in place aren't perfect. However, I also know that there are dedicated people striving constantly to make things better. Will we ever eliminate violence from among us? Probably not. I would never want to set people up for "more disappointment and risk," but if the issue of domestic violence isn't addressed at all we have no hope of seeing improvement. I am simply trying to raise awareness. Each local community will have to figure out how to utilize resources to the best of their ability.

Thanks again. May God fill you with peace.

Deacon Vernon

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Howard link
11/23/2020 05:36:28 pm

Great readinng this

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    This is my personal blog.  The opinions expressed are those of Deacon Vernon and the blog's readers.  This site operates independently and is not affiliated with any other entity. The information I provide is on an "as-is" basis. I make no representations as to the accuracy, completeness, or suitability of any information on this blog. I will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information. Furthermore, I will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its use.

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